December 5, 2006

• Squeaking By

  As the semester comes to a close, it feels very much like a brand new chapter is about to begin.  So very, very much is happening in these few weeks.  I’ve set myself up for it, because that’s just how I do things.  All at once.

  First of all, there is, of course, school.  Which I hate, and have always sucked at.  Skip this paragraph if you don’t want to read about my troubles in this area.  My workload this semester is feeling very intense as the semester comes to its climax.  I’ve been working on this fucking Cartography project for the past week, and for the past couple days it feels like I haven’t stopped.  Because really, I pretty much haven’t; the vast majority of my days now are spent in the Geography lab, hacking away slowly at this gargantuan feat I must achieve…  It’s really hard, and no fun.  I feel like I’m sucking slightly less this semester, though, due in part to my fewer classes.  This has gotten me thinking about going to school part time next semester.  I feel like I’d be able to manage it a lot better, as well as have a full time job and try to start getting myself out of this hole I’ve been digging.  So that’s been the plan lately, to find a place to move out of the dorms next semester so I can go part-time, because you must be a full-time student to live here.  Of course, in order to register for next semester, I’ll have to pay for this one first, which I haven’t yet because of my twice-revoked financial aid.  I told you I suck at school.  My latest, and one of the more intese, cases of fuck-uppery has had me wondering if I’m really cut out for this at all.  Sure, I’m really smart and all, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why I suck at this so bad.  I’d been considering dropping out for a while until I can figure it out, but I know that won’t help me get out of my financial hole.  In order to pay for this semester, I’m going to have to take out a dire loan, one that will not be pretty to pay back, but I don’t have many choices.  My parents will have to co-sign on this loan, and they are refusing to do so until I meet certain conditions:  I have to get a job so I can pay it back (obvious one) and I have to register for at least one CLEP test.  If you don’t know, CLEP tests are by the College Board, they let you take a test and get class credits for them if you pass.  I’m almost a full semester behind where I should be in school right now, so I understand the need for this requirement too.  Honestly I don’t know why I haven’t taken them yet, just like I don’t know why I suck at trying to do school.  I honestly can’t figure out my laziness problem.  I’d like to.  I’ve been considering seeing a shrink… I think I’ll start next semester.

  So as my funds came to a new low a couple weeks ago, I had to look for a job pretty damn quick.  It had been a long time coming.  Finally got off my ass on Saturday though and applied to everywhere within walking distance (still don’t have a car).  It’s looking really good so far, as the Sinclair I applied at seems to be trying to get me to start very soon.  Hopefully some minor scheduling conflicts will work out, as well as me being able to go home for break at least for a while.  If I had to work over the break, I could always stay with the girls, I figured.  So, that was taken care of.

  Trying to find a place to live came to an abrupt and happy end last night, when The Girls, some of my best friends up here who have a house that basically has tied our circle of friends together this semester, told me that one of their roomates wasn’t coming back next semester, and that I was on the top of their list of people to move in.  I was SO happy.  I had been hoping so much that that would happen.  Of course I feel kinda bad for moving out on Adam, but I know he doesn’t care because Jake (his best friend) would move up one floor and into our room if I move out.  I would be happy knowing he’d get that chance… and also happy to help out the girls, who need a roomate badly.  Really, there’d be no place I’d rather move in Greeley, at all.  The more I think about it, the more I’m so happy that it’s happening.  I NEED a change and I can think of few better ones, for me and everyone else affected… So, that was taken care of as well.

  However, something else happened last night.  When I came out of the lab, I tried to call Adam, and found my phone wasn’t working.  I remembered my recent conversation with Mike where I told him that we were officially over and that I didn’t want to come see him this month.  Looking back, I know this conversation should have happened a long time ago, but I really didn’t know what I was doing.  I’ve never had to do this before.  It’s so hard to dump someone, I haven’t felt like this much of an asshole in a long time.  He wrote me an email yesterday saying that he wanted me to send my phone back, since he was paying for it.  Well, of course.  I’m actually pretty ashamed that I’ve kept it this long.  I asked if I could keep it until I got a replacement, and he said he’d like to cancel the plan by the end of the billing cycle on the 12th, but didn’t seem like he had a problem with that.  Well, when I found my phone inoperable last night, and considered his most recent blog entry, I didn’t really have to guess what happened.  I mean, it was a long time coming, but he really couldn’t have picked a worse time, what with my job search going on and all.  Now if any of those potential employers try to call me they’ll get the disconnected message, and I’ll get no job.  Sad part was, Mike knew exactly what he was doing when he did it.  Turns out he had a big breakdown after that particular conversation and read some dumb, poorly written article about getting dumped and immediately had to discard all reminders of me… including my phone service.  Well… whatever.  I’ll do my best to pay for it on my own for now, because I REALLY need that phone to get a job at the moment.  I’m just really hurt by what he did yesterday because he knew exactly what he was doing.  Sure, I’m the dumper, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore.  I do.  And I thought he knew that.  Now he’s cutting me out of his life completely… I mean, I don’t blame him at ALL, but it also doesn’t make me feel like any less of an asshole…  and I’ll miss him a lot.  So this has, needless to say, put a damper on the happier things that had been working out in the past couple days.  It’s really hard for me to focus on this massive project with all this going on.  I feel so exhausted from all this crazy stress.  I cannot freaking wait until winter break, even if I am starting a new job it’s going to be so much less stressful than this shit.

  So if I can get my financial aid back next semester I’m starting to feel like I’ll be set again.  If not, I don’t know…  We’ll have to see what happens in the next chapter, because this one is definitely ending with a cliffhanger.

  • 7:57 pm
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