December 2, 2005

• I am a complete failure this semester.  An utter slacker, a grade F loser.

  
  

  Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of what I was supposed to keep track of...  I realized I lost it far too late.  I wish I hadn't realized it... it was a painful epiphany.

  
  

  I fell back into my high school ways... only worse.  College IS different.  It's not as easy.  It requires a BIT more effort, and I gave it less.

  
  

  I just failed a couple tests in a few minutes (Econ is harder than I thought).  As I left the classroom I was overcome by shame, I knew my professor was looking over the sorry excuse for a final exam I had just handed him, and I know, if he was the type of person, he would have shaken his head if I had looked back at him.  I was far, far to embarrassed to look anywhere but the floor as I hurried to the door.  On the walk home, I almost cried.

  
  

  Luckily, I think I'm embarrassed enough to never, ever be so stupid again.  Maybe it's the fact that this is a mistake that will cost me thousands of dollars and half a year.  Maybe it's the fact that I pride myself so much on my intelligence that I cannot bear to sit there at a TEST, which I normally have no problems with, and just feel completely clueless.  I've never felt so stupid.

  
  

  However, I'm very glad I'm embarrassed because now that I feel like I've hit the bottom I have serious drive do better... I really suck at life this way.  It's really, really lame, but I have to learn the hard way, two or three times.  I hate this about myself and yet I let it continue to be true.

  
  

  Well... no more.

  
  

  I cannot WAIT for next semester.

  
  

  You'll all see.

  • 7:29 pm
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